Dominique Dennery - The Art of Transformation

I held a few coaching sessions recently that brought to mind the need for many of us to hold on to something solid during our exploration of future possibilities. While it is important to keep a strong intention about what we want to create, it may feel, in the moment, like we are swimming upstream in deep waters. Wouldn't it be lovely to rest our feet on solid ground... at least for a while.

As each client peered down from their Purpose, i.e. "What am I here for?" a few levels down the Levels of Thinking (reference Robert Dilts and Louise Lebrun)to the level of Competence/Strategies, i.e. "How can I do what I am aspiring to do", I noticed they were able to explore exciting avenues in a way that felt tangible and more secure to them.

For example, if as a young person I aspire to connect young professionals in a big city to a community on a human scale, and I happen to have a passion for high quality food and wine, I may consider How to's such as: Developing my knowledge about the industry; Developing my connections with my future clientele through social networking; and Acquiring enterpreneurial skills. Strategies tend to come mostly in threes for some funny reason, and are big buckets of related activities that help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. But instead of starting from 'here' and scratching your head about getting to 'there', you start with the dream, and align what you are planning to do to your calling.

For this young person, the process of becoming today what she is aspiring to be, and engaging others with that intention fully present, will have very different results from the incremental change she was creating by continuing to think about a future perfect from the opposite side of the fence.

Another young man felt that testing out strategies in a new field without losing site of his bigger intention enabled him to consider his future with less fear and feed the fire in his belly with every new encounter. He noticed that many of the steps he was considering built on one another. When speaking passionately about the 'How to' within the context of a bigger purpose, resources begun to appear he had not imagined were out there.

With a third client we called it Decloaking, i.e. actually bellying up to the bar about your intention and identifying some streams of activities that help you discover more about yourself in addition to your possible endeavours.

By the way, I have learned for myself that my best strategies have usually been staring me right in the face all along.

Labels: transition

Had a conversation with one of my long time colleagues about the roller coaster of her emotions as she noticed the accumulation of what she called disatisfying things in her life. Why wasn't she attracting the fulfilling instead?!

This was my reply:

I have come across situations like the one you describe in my one-on-one sessions, and have noticed that most folks (including yours truly) go through a period of deconstruction, followed by a fallow period, before anything new can sprout. We get impatient and upset with ourselves when we go through anything but the ‘everything is fine’ part of this natural/universal cycle, and start creating a snowball effect where the more we try to be what we used to be before the ‘change’, the more difficulties we attract. There may be very little gold left in the gold mine, and yet we keep going down the shaft.

Easy to say that the key is to let go. It seems to most of us that what we need is, on the contrary, to just get back on track, try harder, get our act together. But…. the irony is, you can’t get your act together, cause you aren’t the same person you were when you started on this journey! Different modes of being are required, different thoughts. These can’t be forced, like potting a plant and standing over it and saying ‘Grow now!’ During the chaotic times, anything you can do that makes you feel human is good. Doing activities that really nourish us + spending time with ourselves seem to be the two things my clients and friends say work for them. I’ll send you the link to my podcasts once edited next week. You may just recognize some patterns...

Finally, what I will say about our profession as freelancers, is that our passion and energy is what drives us and attracts clients to us. It’s not only our skill. What experience am I creating for my clients when they are in my presence? Do I like what I am doing with them? Do I burst with new ideas? If not, maybe my mine is empty.

I know my new endeavours require that I find a new mine. I’ll make it diamonds this time!

Labels: transition

It's not about others, is it? The partner who procrastinates, the employee who resists silently, the child who rebels. It's about not being clear enough and resorting to cajoling, whining, nagging or raising your voice by a few dozen decibels. This fact hits me like a brick while reflecting on an e-mail from a friend saying she was ready to explode at her spouse's passive resistance. There are flashbacks of my own personal and business changes, and the building resentment about the Other's inertia or attempted sabotage.

Yes, the actions of the Others (or lack thereof) can affect you and slow down your own momentum, if you continue to need their collaboration. Let me explain. When I have needed the help of Reluctant Others, their reluctance has only become my burden when I let it. When I focus instead on what results I want to achieve and let that strong intention be known, I enlist Different Others who share my goal or at least my enthusiasm. The Reluctant Others have their transition to go through. I can be compassionate, I can listen, what I cannot do is waiver, delay or amortize the consequences.

Two strategies have helped me move closer to what I know is essential to my continued well-being. The first one is letting go and unruffling my feathers. Not always easy to do, as I tend to sometimes take life too seriously. When I do relax and laugh at myself, something in my body language, tone, words (or serene silence) lets the Other know something bigger has taken over... and he or she moves over. Just like that.

The second is to continue to feed the passion until it catches on and becomes contagious. Different Others you didn't know were there or had forgotten, are atracted to the flame and come forward with ideas about how to do 'it'. Sometimes, even the Reluctant Ones lose their reluctance and join in. Don't count on it though.

A third strategy has delivered but with harsh consequences. That strategy is to fuel your anger against the Reluctant Other to the point where this very fire propels you forward to embrace the change you were resisting all along. Yes, you were resisting the next wave and bracing against the Other.

My hope is that the first two strategies become my default for the rest of my life.

Labels: change, intention, resistance, transition, well-being