Dominique Dennery - The Art of Transformation

She's back!

2012-01-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

Coming out of my cocoon after a number of months. Time to share again what is going on with my own transformation. But first, a Very Happy Transformative Year to all!

After 24 months of travelling back and forth between Canada and Sri Lanka, I chose to make Canada my home base this past summer. I must admit that Ottawa in the winter is not my cup of tea, which is why I am currently in West Africa until late January(smile). But what makes my country so special to me is the very rich professional life I have been blessed with, the friends who have always had my back, and my son Adrien whose zest for life brings me so much pleasure and pride. Those things are irreplacable and were sorely missed.

My two years of wandering did change my priorities and created a sense of urgency in working with talented people to help them show up boldly in their lives to make a difference in the wider world. There are multiple reasons to follow the path of ease and least resistance, particularly for those of us who are entering our fifth, sixth, seventh decade. Retirement seems to be opening its fluffy arms... so why the sense of unfinished business, the need to contribute to the positive transformation of planet, why get involved with leaders of all ages?

I have produced a few more podcasts on Transformation. One of them with a wise woman who is refusing to call it quits at seventy, despite the voices all around her telling her she is no longer relevant and should gently retire. Go to my landing page at www.dennery.ca to watch a Dialogue with fiesty Cathy Carmody.

One new development: I am renewing my commitment to my own learning by completing a second certification in Coaching, this time with Erickson College International with a view to getting a designation with the International Coaching Federation --recognized the world over. The 3rd of 5 modules awaits me when I return to sub zero temperatures later this month.

I will keep you posted on other professional and personal developments as they occur... and not six months from now. Promise!

The Magic of Powerful Collectives

2011-04-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

During the last few weeks I spent in Canada, I had a number of experiences for which I am grateful. These include wonderful coaching moments and energizing group facilitations that leave me wanting more. Now that I am back in Sri Lanka for a while and have time to reflect and write, I wanted to share what I have learned about transformation of individuals within a strong collective. I will focus on one experience that, to me, exemplifies what can happen when a strong collective awakens.

On the first day of this month, I worked with two powerful young women to structure an experience for a group of 30 Young Black Professionals who meet regularly to network and support each other in their personal and professional growth. That evening, the co-hosts and myself facilitated a dialogue that far surpassed in authenticity and depth what I have witnessed in groups where many members are new to each other. I felt I was watching a flower bloom in accelerated motion, and was moved.

As I work on a book project and other creative ventures related to transformation, I want to document what I think contributed to this acceleration, in the hope that this formula can be replicated again and again with other collectives.

After facilitating groups for 20 years, I was always aware of being more optimistic than my clients about what could be accomplished for the team, the community or organization. My expectations for genuine connections in groups were high, and these expectations were most often met. Now, I know that it is possible to create a wave that has more speed and force than I thought possible. Very cool.

I note 4 phases: 1. Setting the tone, which is done by the leaders and starts the process before anyone is in the room. The communications, the invitation, the images, even the space chosen will attract those who need to come to the experience. The intention must be clear and compelling. 2.Facilitating the Opening. Hosts/Facilitators have an important role to play to create and maintain the open space for transformative dialogue. That is where the facilitation experience is invaluable: open questions, self as instrument, dynamic of participation, body language, formats that increase trust and openess. As a facilitator, I have to be an invitation as well as a challenge by helping participants observe Self through other eyes, and by inserting new information that helps expand their awareness. 3. Making room for an in-body experience. There must be time to walk around, eat, connect in duos, trios, breathe deeply, laugh, visualize, meditate. When the intellect is parked for a while, participants are connected to something more raw and spontaneous, and will speak, reveal, decloack more readily. 4. Reinforcing: There is a natural contagion factor in a group that can accelerate the experience for all. Whether one choses to ride the wave quietly, or decloack publicly, each person can contribute to the transformation and help build the momentum for rapid transformation. A sight to behold.

I will write more... soon.

Courage

2011-02-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

After spending 36 hours straight in airplanes and airport terminals, thinking of nothing except the next comfortable seat for nodding off with my carry-on touching my leg, the next meal that won't give me indigestion, the next washroom, the shortest security lineup, the least surly Customs Officer, I was on automatic pilot. No 'Real Thinking Allowed Here' became the best policy. Beyond knowing which pocket my passport was in, where I hid the boarding pass (and why I can't just put it in the same place every time!), what currency was used and where the volume was on my headset, No Thinking was essential to survival.

Getting settled in the Toronto cold, in the warmth of a friend's home, I turned the ON button and realized I was being assaulted by doubts. These doubts became louder during the long sleepless hours, where night here was daytime for my body.

After eating a series of breakfasts with the members of this three-generation household as they woke up in waves on Family Day, my friend and I started a conversation about our lives. The type of meandering conversation that can be interrupted by the child, the phone, the next meal, and can last for hours. You know, the kind of loosly-knit chatter that has most men shaking their head in puzzlement.

I will leave out the details and focus on what was useful to me and may strike a chord with you.

So the gist of it was the need for Courage to live our best life. By courage, I mean doing what you think is right whether others feel the same or not. Taking one more step forward on a new path, not having a clue where you will end up. Showing up as You, no frills attached. Knowing you can be right and you can be wrong,and moving forward anyway.

Courage is eaten away by Doubt. Doubt is the voice from the Past saying: Who do you think you are? Who are you fooling? What could possibly come of that? Remeber what happened when you took that fork in the road the last time? What if you fail, and worse, what if you fail, again!

Doubt comes in many form. It crawls into the words you hear others say. It permeates your own words. It adds a whine to the songs you play and puts hesitation in your step. Doubt slows you down until you have forgotten who you are and have sunk back into the Old and the Familiar.

Sometimes, for Courage to Slay Doubt, it takes Another or a few Others who refuse to let you shrink. These annoying Others demand that you rise up again, and have the audacity to replay your own words to you! They challenge and provoke you until your lights are on again and somebody is home.

What I love about my life, is that I have coached many folks who are completely awake and expect me to incarnate my own values and beliefs, n'est-ce pas. Over the decades, I have also collected a number of pushy coaches who will ask for more courage rather than the little I sometimes want to get away with. And then, I have a very lucid son and many younger folks who will accept nothing less than authenticity and courage from an elder, i.e. anyone over 40 (smile).

So, it is onward and forward.

What system are you building to shore up your courage when you need it? Would love to see your comments.

Running out of time

2011-02-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

Another pattern is emerging through many e-mail conversations. Not enough time to do what we want to do, or even to just be still while we expand our awareness.

I wanted to pass on this exercise I just did for myself to get at what I don't have time for and why. Also wanted to explore, by using myself as a guinea pig, what any of this has to do with transformation!

So if you want to discover what is in the way of what you desire, take a computer or paper and:

List 1) What you make time for and 2) What you don't make time for and wish you did.
A few examples from my life, I make time now for new ventures and for sculpting, but don't make time for exercising or for nurturing some of my relationships.

Next, Take the toughest one on your 'Wish I made time for this' list, and really look at it. By tough I mean the one or two that made you go 'ouch' when you wrote the words down and acknowledged your neglect.

Let's pretend that those are actually the keys to your transformation. You say you care about these endeavours or people, but your behaviours are not aligned with your words and you know it. We do make time for what we care most about. Or do we?

In my case, I had a chat with myself about what I really cared about yet don't make time for, and realized that a number of things on my 'Wish I did' list were guilt items that derived from old beliefs and outmoded values. I also realized that what I paid attention to really blossomed and what I didn't pay attention to was fading - obviously - like my waistline (smile).

What on your 'Wish I did' list is there because you think you should (guilt, obligation, old habits) and what is a real sore point to explore?
Next, for me came the acknowledgement that sore points were tied to a fear, fear of not succeeding, for of the consequences, fear of rejection etc. Fear by another name is fire, the very fuel of transformation. These endeavours or people are where I needed to go to alter past conditioning and experience another way of being. With this insight have come other insights about the way all the activities/people on the two lists are interconnected and weave a path forward. Still processing all this, so I will write more as it comes.

Thanks for your comments on the last blog. Look forward to hearing from you about your own experiments.

The Match Box

2011-01-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

In the 1960s, in Haiti, young boys would place caterpillars in matchboxes, one per box, and check regularly on their patient's progress. The cocoon formed and took up more and more space, until one day a butterfly opened her wings and flew into the tropical air. After a few experiments, they would tire of the game, but the miracle never faded from their minds. When asked for his definition of transformation, one of those boys, now in his fifties, conjured up this story to illustrate the difference between evolution and transformation.

What I take away from this story in my line of work as a coach and facilitator is a reminder of the importance of the matchbox phase before any transformation can take place. Without a time out, a period of nothingness, evolution remains possible but not transformation. Evolution suggests incremental change. It occurs in broad daylight, is noticable, explainable, often predictable. Transformation is messy, uncomfortable and happens far from prying eyes. At times, no end seems to be in sight. There are no milestones to celebrate with transformations, while other milestones are often documented in the pictures we take, gifts we give, congratulatory words we convey.

Once transformation has taken place, evolution can be a stabilizing force that welcomes partners, family and friends who are ready to help us shape the new. But, transformation is a lonely process that requires deconstruction and leaves little room for words of reassurance. Lethargy can take over while we slow down to experience our own thoughts and feelings. In the darkened box, we enter a sacred space where we can be reborn.

Our western societies have little patience for a full transformation, and more than a little fear. Family systems, circle of friends, co-workers are not always helpful despite their best intentions, as they try hard to 'protect' us from ourselves.

For one month, I couldn't speak about much, didn't blog, stayed virtually silent on e-mail and other networks. No new idea surfaced for long or led to the usual measurable outputs! I am grateful for the folks who peered into the box and decided it was all right, and I must be percolating again.

As the year begins, I am pushing open the matchbox and breathing in the tropical air as I prepare to take flight once more. I will look for all you fellow transformers on the horizon...

Back to Colombo

2010-12-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

I feel at peace now, re-entry into Colombo life complete. It has taken me 14 days to take back the mantle of my life here. Why so long this time? I don't know. The last two weeks were spent on automatic pilot, finalizing work with Canada, planting seeds for workshops on both continents, attending official functions while smiling and making polite conversation. I discovered some new faces while renewing acquaintances with many familiar ones at charity functions, volunteer groups, and various get togethers that multiply at this time of the year.

It finally stopped raining here, and the air is warm with tinges of cool in the shade. Anyone arriving now would declare this island to be a slice of paradise. The rains lasted seven weeks unleashing flooding and disease. I missed most of it while in fast forward mode across Canada, barely noticing the first assaults of winter.

I seem to have created superposition in my life, simultaneously experiencing two places, while having the odd sense of belonging to both and neither. I know this is common in people who travel constantly for their work, and realize it alters something fundamental in our perception. Right now I feel less worried, less hurried, more at ease with these two worlds I inhabit. If it's a phase of transition, let's call it the Ripening Phase.

Resting on solid ground during transition

2010-11-30T22:34:00.000-08:00

I held a few coaching sessions recently that brought to mind the need for many of us to hold on to something solid during our exploration of future possibilities. While it is important to keep a strong intention about what we want to create, it may feel, in the moment, like we are swimming upstream in deep waters. Wouldn't it be lovely to rest our feet on solid ground... at least for a while.

As each client peered down from their Purpose, i.e. "What am I here for?" a few levels down the Levels of Thinking (reference Robert Dilts and Louise Lebrun)to the level of Competence/Strategies, i.e. "How can I do what I am aspiring to do", I noticed they were able to explore exciting avenues in a way that felt tangible and more secure to them.

For example, if as a young person I aspire to connect young professionals in a big city to a community on a human scale, and I happen to have a passion for high quality food and wine, I may consider How to's such as: Developing my knowledge about the industry; Developing my connections with my future clientele through social networking; and Acquiring enterpreneurial skills. Strategies tend to come mostly in threes for some funny reason, and are big buckets of related activities that help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. But instead of starting from 'here' and scratching your head about getting to 'there', you start with the dream, and align what you are planning to do to your calling.

For this young person, the process of becoming today what she is aspiring to be, and engaging others with that intention fully present, will have very different results from the incremental change she was creating by continuing to think about a future perfect from the opposite side of the fence.

Another young man felt that testing out strategies in a new field without losing site of his bigger intention enabled him to consider his future with less fear and feed the fire in his belly with every new encounter. He noticed that many of the steps he was considering built on one another. When speaking passionately about the 'How to' within the context of a bigger purpose, resources begun to appear he had not imagined were out there.

With a third client we called it Decloaking, i.e. actually bellying up to the bar about your intention and identifying some streams of activities that help you discover more about yourself in addition to your possible endeavours.

By the way, I have learned for myself that my best strategies have usually been staring me right in the face all along.

Holding A Bigger Intention

2010-11-23T03:49:00.000-08:00

Everything that I have been doing over these last ten days --from holding a workshop on New Beginnings with individuals stepping into their own future, to my 17th Diversity Awareness session with employees of one large organization engaged in large-scale transformation, to coaching a young man struggling with his first big job, to being present to a friend with a life threatening illness, to coaching a young woman taking steps to leave the safety of a good job to follow her dream, to engaging with many friends and clients puzzled by the reality they are creating -- everything has one thread in common: the importance of holding a big space, holding a bigger intention for others, and for myself.

There were times this week where instead of helping, I felt I was in the way of others, and in my own way. I lost my sense of purpose for a day, for two. On the third day, I had a conversation with someone I have known for decades, who, given how the universal consciousness seems to work, was going through a version of what I was experiencing. In speaking with this individual I realized that I was stuck in too small a world, the world of what is and isn't working, instead of the world of possibilities. I had forgotten my intention of shaping my life and helping others shape theirs to serve their bigger purpose.

He insisted that what he was dealing with right now was real, and having artificially positive thoughts about his future would not help at all! Of course what we create is real... for us. Of course, our thoughts can be negative and applying make-up to these is not the solution. What you think and feel should be acknowledged... and, it may be time to wonder if there isn't a bigger conversation you need to have with yourself.

What if I framed my experiences in the bigger context of human transformation? What if, by being impatient, angry, confused and teary-eyed, I was transforming, yet again and ready to make different choices that would support the bigger purpose of facilitating human development?

So, I am holding on for dear life to my Intention. Holding on to it when alone or passionately engaged with others. I will remind others of their intention, gently, while staying present to their transformation, at their own pace, in their own time.
Life is meaningless without a purpose that is much fatter than you :-). I have mine. Do you have yours?

Grow now!!

2010-11-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

Had a conversation with one of my long time colleagues about the roller coaster of her emotions as she noticed the accumulation of what she called disatisfying things in her life. Why wasn't she attracting the fulfilling instead?!

This was my reply:

I have come across situations like the one you describe in my one-on-one sessions, and have noticed that most folks (including yours truly) go through a period of deconstruction, followed by a fallow period, before anything new can sprout. We get impatient and upset with ourselves when we go through anything but the ‘everything is fine’ part of this natural/universal cycle, and start creating a snowball effect where the more we try to be what we used to be before the ‘change’, the more difficulties we attract. There may be very little gold left in the gold mine, and yet we keep going down the shaft.

Easy to say that the key is to let go. It seems to most of us that what we need is, on the contrary, to just get back on track, try harder, get our act together. But…. the irony is, you can’t get your act together, cause you aren’t the same person you were when you started on this journey! Different modes of being are required, different thoughts. These can’t be forced, like potting a plant and standing over it and saying ‘Grow now!’ During the chaotic times, anything you can do that makes you feel human is good. Doing activities that really nourish us + spending time with ourselves seem to be the two things my clients and friends say work for them. I’ll send you the link to my podcasts once edited next week. You may just recognize some patterns...

Finally, what I will say about our profession as freelancers, is that our passion and energy is what drives us and attracts clients to us. It’s not only our skill. What experience am I creating for my clients when they are in my presence? Do I like what I am doing with them? Do I burst with new ideas? If not, maybe my mine is empty.

I know my new endeavours require that I find a new mine. I’ll make it diamonds this time!

Recipe for Magic

2010-11-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful time playing catch up with my friend Caroline Ishii, owner and chef of Zen Kitchen, a gourmet vegetarian restaurant in Canada's capital that had been wonderfully successful since it opened a little over a year ago. Watch my website for a webcast of this Dialogue on Transformation soon. A few days after the videotaping, on Halloween, we continued our conversation way past the witching hour, and the following recipe emerged for creating magic in our lives:

First, you need the right frame of mind. In your psyche, that means holding a belief that your life is shaped by you, not simply happening to you. Without that conviction, you can turn off the oven and stop cooking right now!

Next, you want to become very curious about what you are creating, particularly if it is not what you want, but even if it is. Like a Chef who experiments, you will want to taste the results and decide if you need to adjust your thoughts and actions to create the outcome you crave. Watch for signs that you are in the right direction... or not. More on this in a future post.

Third, the ingredient that holds it all together is Trust. Even if what you want is nothing but a twinkle in your eye, you need to believe that it is possible. Caroline and I both commented on the need to surround yourself with 'believers' to assuage occasional self doubt. This is not the time to engage your relatives or friends who will give you 101 reasons you can't follow your dream. You can save that for later, when you can brush them off with a smug smile!

Finally, it is important to recognize success, even if it doesn't look like what you had anticipated. The mates we attract don't always look like the Prince Charming we dreamed about as young girls (smile). In the same way, our creations aren't always picture perfect. Take what you have created, celebrate with zest, and continue to add seasoning until you get it to your liking.

Usually this is when many artists and entrepreneurs tire of their creation, create chaos in their lives, and embark on their next life adventure.

Past+ Present doesn't have to equal Future

2010-10-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

My younger sister Gabriella is a wise woman. Not sure why the third girl in the family ended up with all the wise genes, but she gives me irrefutable proof of this every time I speak with her.

So, I am commenting about aspects of my present experience I don't like and she reminds me matter-of-factly that what I am living now is the physical manifestation of thoughts I entertained in the past. Ideas take some time to manifest... tangibly. I wrestle with the idea that although the inner transformation can be instantaneous, the benefit is sometimes not immediate. She goes on to say that the human challenge is to continue to hold on to your intention even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Faith in the outcome is necessary.

Of course! How could I have forgotten!

There have been times in my life, where I have doubled back because I could see no path ahead, only shadows. How hard do you try, before you decide you are altogether on the wrong path? Do you doggedly forge ahead until you find the world transforming in ways you had imagined? Do you change course, and follow the path of least resistance? Someone please tell me where to sign up for a map of the different trails!

I remained alone most of today in a quiet space where feelings could surface. I know that my best barometer has always been my physical responses or 'living thoughts' as I like to call them. So, I check out the butterflies in the stomach, the lethargy that is hanging like fog, the feet that fidget. Knowing exactly what is going on is less important than acknowledging that something is going on, and letting the sensations flood me until I am at peace again. With the insights that are surfacing, I will continue to smile at the creativity it took to get me where I am today, and stay focused on what I want tomorrow. Visualizing tomorrow as if it were today is how you weave the tapestry of your future.

No longer craving the familiar?

2010-09-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have been touring Sri Lanka with my son, rediscovering this Island through his eyes. Much has become familiar to me in the space of a year. He reminds me of what is different about this world, while highlighting for me how human behaviour remains the same in so many ways.

Adrien's senses have been bombarded by new smells, sights, sounds during these last few weeks. Upon returning from an exciting Elephant Safari in Udawalewe National Park yesterday, he just wanted to spend the day curled up in front of the TV set (he says the quality of the English programming is better than what can be found on our North American commercial-ridden channels)to stop the experience and reconnect with what is familiar. He was craving familiar foods and contact with his Canadian friends on Facebook. I completely understand.

What I notice now is that my life on this island has become almost more familiar to me than the life I will be reentering when I fly back to Canada next month. I feel some trepidation about stepping into conversations with colleagues or entering rooms full of people who know more about life in Canada than I do. I have no idea what is playing on the radio, who is the new celebrity, what is giving rise to citizen outrage, what are the latest rumours in the federal public service. The word I want to use is disconnected. Staying with this feeling, I hope to bring some new insights to what I do for a living, i.e. helping people with change and transformation.

I expressed to a dear friend in an e-mail earlier that even though I have used the expression before, I really had no idea what it meant to hang in mid-air, having let go of a trapeze without having yet caught the next one. This new reality of mine is unfamiliar for sure, but not as dramatic as I envisaged when I was on solid ground, paralyzed with the fear of letting go. In the past, every time I let go, I went right back to the familiar. This time, the ground has disappeared under my feet. It just means I will have to grow wings, n'est-ce pas?

No going back

2010-09-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my colleague Chris (we are co-writing what we hope will take the shape of a book!) about how when you have changed your outlook or paradigm, there is no going back. Chris saw this as both a positive and negative development. Who wouldn't have trepidations about not being able to go back 'home', wherever home is metaphorically. We talked about people we loved who had attempted to break out of their pattern, only to fall back into the same familiar place -- which can only be described as hell when you have left it for a while! Before we got too depressed, we started musing about ways in which neither of us had gone home and yet, lived to tell the tale.

Since this is my blog, I will speak of not being able to 'go back' in my chosen profession. Can't say it feels comfortable. Actually, it is downright scary! Up to now, my work has grown gingerly along with me. As a result, I have been able to contribute to the well-being of people in organizations, while supporting myself and my family. For this I am forever grateful.

What I realize today, and felt coming for the last year, is that I need to be bolder about my next iteration. While it is still about learning and facilitation, I acknowledge that my endeavours will only feed my soul if I can empower others to fuel their own personal transformation. What I am trying to say is that I want to focus exclusively on people, their lives, their relationships, their creative endeavours, and not on the content of their work. I am leaving to some highly respected colleagues work in process, planning, structures and systems. Also, learning/training in skills that are not related to emotional intelligence and growth. I realize I don't want rooms full of people who don't want to be there. What I am passionate about is helping people help themselves.

When I read what I have written I wonder why, in the moment, it felt like a big shift. It feels quite ordinary now, so I must have crossed the point of no return.

The Speed of Thought

2010-08-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Last night, I watched the film "What the Bleep Do We Know" -- explaining Quantum Physics to the lay person in an entertaining way. Since this was my second viewing, I was determined to retain more of the information about thought patterns, and their impact on a person's reality.

As a lover of literature, I have always paid attention to how words on a page can create a mood. As a facilitator and coach, I am aware of how expressed words or unexpressed thoughts create a person's or group's reality. Yet, there was something, just at the fringe of my awareness, nagging me about thought and creation.

The movie reminded me once again of the powerful impact our thoughts have our physiology and psychology. Fine, but that wasn't quite enough. My brain went click when I heard one of the Quantum Scientists say that most of us are not able to create what we want because we lack focus. Our habituated patterns of thought keep us anchored in our past and make us unable to access the unlimited possibilities available to us at a Quantum level.

This was not new information to me, but somehow I had needed to hear it again.I had been wondering lately why it has been relatively easy for me to create some things and why other great intentions never quite materialized. I was also reflecting on a negative reality one of my coaching client was creating and recreating so relentlessly. The answer was focus!

For the next hour (or at least it seemed like an hour!) I focused on my thoughts.... and found it almost impossible to stay focused on one thought for any length of time. I have experienced meditation, and have been able to focus on 'no thought' for periods of time. But focusing on one thought and making it so prevalent that it obliterates anything else, making it so real that it could be coaxed into physical manifestation, that, I had never attempted. I slept badly after this experience, amazed at how easily I got distracted, and not amazed at all that I had gotten scattered results in some of my endeavours. I woke up at 4 AM to write and write and write about one thought! I will let you know if I created anything in a few days or weeks (smile).

The Kandy Perahera - Festival of the Tooth

2010-08-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I went with friends to witness the Essala Perahera in Kandy this week-end. Unforgettable.

We drove for four hours and arrived early at the Temple of the Sacred Tooth Relic (Lord Buddha's tooth) to scout out our location, only to find out that once taken to our assigned seats inside the precinct, we could not leave again to walk about. At the prospect of waiting 3 hours for the procession to begin, we wondered how we would alleviate boredom. The young daughter of one of my friends convinced our designated guide to take us on a tour of the temple. A must see. We spent quite some time after the tour watching craftsmen putting finishing touches on the elephant costumes and dozens of dancers getting ready to parade. We finally had to sit down to let the show begin.

For the next three hours, I saw more elegantly-clad elephants than I will ever see again in my lifetime. The dancers were fascinating to watch; young boys, experienced dancers, acrobats, drummers, musicians all focused on their performance. The Kandyan dancers had costumes that only looked slightly different to my Western eyes, but my guide pointed out how each school had their distinct headdress, breast decorations, skirts and belts, and how more experienced dancers wore more adornments on their ankles and wrists. The sad touch were the dozens of men and boys carrying heavy wooden poles ending with mesh baskets overflowing with hot coals and flames fed by coconut oil that would singe the red rags wrapped around their chest and face. The torch carriers illuminated the parade, but were often berated for dropping pieces of burning coal too close to the dancers feet. Almost everyone was barefoot.

The elephants were a wondrous sight, some danced to the drums, all were draped in velvet costumes fit for royalty, with beads, sequins, small lights, gold designs and brass tusk decorations. All of them had heavy chains to keep them in line...

Hundreds of people marched and performed in complete harmony. Each segment of the procession was punctuated by shrines. When these passed, we were asked to rise out of respect. One of these shrines held the Sacred Tooth Relic. After the shrines came the kings with heads held high and powerful bellies jutting out. I asked why there were no women, and was told that there would be a few at the end of the parade, and that was simply the way things were.

It's Called Bifurcation

2010-08-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

Bifurcation: Lay person's explanation
When a cell or organism becomes static, it eventually has to choose between dying and growing. In either scenario, it must dissipate or collapse into chaos for an inherent, more complex order to rise, bringing with it the potential for new life.

Had a challenging moment late last week where I experienced chaos in mind and body. It started with a headache of mammoth proportion, queasiness in the pit of my stomach, and a heart beat that would not slow down. Hard not to think of coronary problems when you reach your middle years. As I scanned my body for numbness or pain on the left side, I wondered where my cell phone was hiding with its built-in 911. I thought of calling Canada or the US via Skype. There are 5 doctors in my immediate family. These folks tend to stay calm in an emergency. But what if this so-called emergency is 15,000 Kms away and you only get a dim picture of the damsel in distress?

Two lines of thought were battling for air time. The first one advocated that I continue breathing deeply, look for the hide-and-seek cell phone and get a grip. The other more dramatic one, was already wondering who I would call to whisper my last words, and what they should say in my eulogy! Finally, I felt intense heat on my forehead and put my hand up to cool it. At the same time, a warm flow reached my chest and slowed my heart beat to pianissimo. What had that been about?!

Sitting up in my bed at 2:00 AM, a world away from my loved ones I gave myself a shaky 'Congratulations' for having believed I would be alright. Not sure when I fell asleep again, but as day was breaking I woke up with a start wondering if I had imagined the whole thing. My rational mind craved an explanation. I went about my day in a daze. Having always believed that there is more to everything than what we see through our limited senses, I was not expecting to be so discombobulated by something I could not explain.

Eventually, as my heart began another salsa, I sent a message to my friend and coach Gwen McCauley and also to a wonderful healer here in Colombo, Laurel Botsford. BTW, both have books on Amazon if you want to find out more about their approach. Gwen helped me complete the integration of this experience and make connections between where I am in my life's work, and a well-known term in Quantum Sciences called Bifurcation*. Laurel referred to similar physical symptoms in herself and her clients during intense spiritual experiences and invited me to welcome rather than fear. Therefore, I choose to remember this as the night my head and heart did the bifurcation (smile).

So, no one is recognizing your potential!

2010-08-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in coincidences. Yesterday was the third time in a week that a person I coach spoke of the frustration of not being recognized by bosses or peers as having strong potential. If this is the reality they all share, it must be in the air, so time for a blog post!

In all three conversations, we played with the following notions: a) What does the perception of others have to do with your potential? It is a question that took all three by surprise. They thought about it and came to the conclusion that they were letting others dictate not only their present state of frustration, but also create blocks on their horizons. I didn't take long for two of them to argue back that they lived in an environment that had rules about promotions through competitions, and so on. My next questions then was: b) What is making you choose to stay in this environment that has decided that you are junior and not senior, or senior and not executive material, or executive but not senior executive etc.? Another pause. One of them remarked on how she had deferred for too long to other people's assessment of her competence. Even people she didn't see as competent but who happened to be sitting higher up in the hierarchy. Another commented on the many individuals she knew with fewer diplomas, less experience, fewer skills who were working to their full potential, and started wondering out loud what was stopping her from doing just that!

Two spoke of the obstacles in their way: gender, age, ethnicity, family circumstances, lack of networks etc. Yes, many of these elements can be obstacles to your full expression in certain environments. And...what are you choosing now, moment by moment? For many there are a dozen reasons to stay where they are -- from years of pensionable service, to financial commitments, to the current state of the job market etc. We spoke of the difference in your outlook when you choose to stay because of reasons you deem valid, and when you feel you have to stay and resent every minute of it. What happens then to the quality of your life?

What I notice over and over again, and discussed with each of them is the fact that we human beings don't seem to realize that we are creating much of our reality. Let's look at how we can create differently. Next up for conversation is to challenge the perception we have that there is an 'outside' of us and an 'inside of us'.

They each have homework to do, while I will continue to ponder why all three showed up with this question in my own life...

More on Ayurveda

2010-08-08T05:20:00.001-07:00

The practitioners of Ayrveda advocate the connectedness of all things - universal consciousness. Ayur means life and Veda means science, Science of Life. For human beings, they recognize the union of spirit, body and mind, and acknolwedge the need to cater to all three to get the best results, i.e. total health. They intervene to prevent disease and recreate balance. Whatever treatment your are given, it is never to cure a physical symptom alone, but to address the roots of the problem. The physical is merely the mose dense and obvious of the manifestations of a lack of equilibrium.

When you arrive, there is a contact with the Doctor of Ayurvedic Medecine about what you want to achieve and a diagnosis about your dominant 'dosha', either Vata, Pitta or Kapha. One week is barely enought to scratch the surface. No day spa where esthetics are mixed with massages. This is serious business. You must follow instructions to the letter -- as I found out the hard way when my body rebelled upon adding my daily dose of caffeine to the mix ... You will get rubbed, wrapped, immersed, purged, fed and watered according to a 5,000 year old body of knowledge about energy and healing that refers to what is invisible as much to what is. Very Quantum. Very cool.

Ayurveda Retreat at Wadduwa

2010-08-08T04:52:00.000-07:00

One week of complete relaxation. No room for restlessness. Oil massages every day, mud masks, steam baths in ancient wooden cocoons, herb drinks, tasty vegetarian fare, even a flower bath with lotus. Everyday, the warm pool and the sound of the ocean waves (too strong for swimming).

Mid-week a cleansing. Not the most pleasant experience when everything you are used to metabolizing discretly is expelled from your body without ceremony. Your meals are brought to you that day, so you don't disgrace yourself publicly...

After the cleansing, "Shirodara", where warm oil is poured over and over on your forehead. The opposite of the famous water drop torture. You walk around for two days, oily hair in an oily scarf, wearing a hospital green gown in XXL that wraps around your body twice to hold in the heat. It feels wonderful when you can wash from head to toe and wear normal clothing again.

You emerge a few kilos lighter (yes!)with a corresponding lightness of being. Thoughts are clear and unhurried. New vistas open up. Highly recommended.

Another language

2010-07-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday another head emerged... in clay. This time a woman, as timeless as the male head I sculpted last week. The male is now covered in plaster and will become a black cement carving that will last a few lifetimes, unless it is destroyed. Humbling to think that an object you create will survive you and possibly survive a few generations of offspring. Will anyone find beauty in it a century from now?

With the interesting distraction of the plaster process, I was not able to finish the female, and must leave it for a week as I set off for an Ayurvedic retreat. I am looking forward to experiencing this alternative medicine that has been practised much longer than our Western one. I expect I will learn much about my body type, food requirement and energy etc. There will be yoga - hopefully not too early in the morning. Actually, I know that is wishful thinking as most yoga practitioners are of the irritating early bird variety! Once up, I will reconcile myself with the fact that I can swim, breathe fresh ocean air, read and snooze.

Back to the heads. What I realize when I sculpt is that I am speaking to myself in a language that escapes my intellect, which surely is a good thing! It's a language that is not anchored in time and space, that has nothing to do with my everyday life and small irritations. What I can decipher is an invitation to explore and discover more about deeper images in the psyche, and follow guideposts to some other reality. The images that come so easily to the surface are like ancient drums echoing. What I know --from where, I don't know -- is that each sculpture is a word in a long poem that will reveal its significance one day when I am ready.

Well, what can I say, this ancient civilization is starting to affect me in more ways then one!

Sculpting again

2010-07-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

Everytime I sculpt, I am surprised by what comes out of my fingers. Always at first the nagging doubt, the thought that the ease with which shapes emerge from the wet clay is an accident, a fluke. What if the flow stops and the earth stays mute? I am grateful that whatever guides my hands was there again Friday, ready for my first date with sculpting in a year.

An auspicious day, the Sri Lankans would say, no rain, a light breeze under the tree where I take my material. The teacher is a generous soul, a famous artist who transmits his knowledge and gives his time. It is hard to understand why I took so long to call and find my way to his class. I had heard about him months ago. What was I fearing? What would I have to acknowledge?

Everything seems easy. The Atelier is perfect. The schedule is simliar to what I experienced in David Clendenning's class at the School of Art in Ottawa. You work at your own rythm, three hours at a time. The teacher is called 'Sir' here in Colombo. He stops here and there to encourage and correct.

This space under the trees with its water basin and large blocks of stone seems timeless, as if this Atelier has been there since the dawn of time. I pile clay onto an armature and spend a magical hour creating an African head, larger than life . The teacher takes me aside; he is pleased. Proportions are good he says. You need to work on a series, he adds. I know these things, he concludes. These few words resonate with me for a long time.

I will post pictures from my next class.

Vers un capitalisme féminin

2010-07-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

Je viens de terminer Vers un capitalisme féminin, le petit livre de Rafik Smati (Éditions Eyrolles), le fondateur de Dromadaire.com et suis emballée! Évidemment, ce n'est pas surprenant qu'une femme d'affaires s'identifie au discours de ce jeune visionnaire, mais je crois que toute femme leader pourrait bénéficier de cette lecture.

Smati utilise son bel esprit de synthèse pour parler de l'excès de testostérone (sic!) qui met actuellement la planète en danger (finances, environnement, éthique) et de l'importance de l'influence du principe féminin pour notre avenir commun. Féminin n'équivaut pas nécessairement à femme. Il parle d'Obama comme un président féminin compte tenu de ses valuers participatives et de l'accent sur les enjeux énergétique et biomédicaux à long terme plutôt que sur la prise de risque pour des gains à court terme. Il met au banc des accusés les chefs d'entreprise salariés d'élite (pensons BP!)dont le sort n'est en rien lié au succès de l'entreprise. Il contraste aussi l'esprit de conquête démesuré des Traders à l'approche raisonnée, au service de la concorde qu'il qualifie de capitalisme féminin. Le facteur féminin pourrait nous amener à une civilisation de type 1, plutôt que de type 0 (actuellement), une civilisation qui ne serait plus autodestructrice mais qui utiliserait les énergies naturelles produites par la planète.

Au-delà de la révolution verte, il annonce aussi une révolution biomédicale et numérique dans le sens du féminin. L'internet dit Smati est féminin, car basé sur la transmission du savoir, le partage et la communauté, et qui évolue d'ailleurs vers la gratuité. Smati conclue en affirmant que le plus grand marché émergeant au monde n'est pas un pays... mais les femmes, et nous annonce une Renaissance au féminin qui ne fait que commencer.

Le livre a constitué pour moi une bouffée d'air frais et d'optimisme dans un monde qui semble se nourrir de guerres et de crises destructives. L'avenir nous appartient mesdames!

2010-07-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Again today, feeling confused about being in windy conditions and looking up at cloudy skies with blue patches that remind me of the end of July in Canada. The air is warm with undertones of cool, whispering of rain; so reminiscent of summers at my parents run down cottage on Constance Bay, forty years ago. I get a sense there is something for me to learn or I wouldn’t be stuck on something so small as “same weather, different place”. Something about seeing my life, relationships and life’s work as one, a continuum, as opposed to two different lives on two different continents with two networks of people.

When I speak with like-minded folks I have connected to in Canada and here, we continue our conversations as if a month or two hadn’t gone by. Because there is a hiatus, ideas mature between conversations and make these richer and more potent somehow. There is something about not wasting time, getting to the heart and soul of the matter that creates bigger conversations, and multiplies possibilities. There are also a few divides that have grown.

I have started drawing models for my book on transformation, while continuing to read, rest and renew. When I say I am lazy, my friends laugh, but I am keeping to one activity a day and the 3 Rs. Yesterday, I focused on one business activity and watched the World Cup Final. Maybe that wasn’t an R, as the match was choppy and almost painful to witness. Today, I have completed one coaching activity and this blog. Yoga class tonight will be an R, if Judy doesn’t have us do too many Sun Salutations. :)

2010-07-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

Travelling across Canada in June was a revelation. I have done it so many times over the decades, yet this time I was struck with how clean the cities are, how opulent. I looked through the eyes of a stranger. I ran across a multitude of hyphenated Canadians (as in Indo-Canadian, Chinese Canadian, Guyanese Canadian etc) in Vancouver, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Winnipeg, Toronto and even Ottawa. I ran into them in the corridors of the hotels where I was staying, in the restaurants where I had my breakfast, in every cab, at every counter. There were few of them in the forums I facilitated, except for Toronto of course; the contrast between the streets and the conference rooms striking me as never before.

Since the subject of many of my workshops was Diversity, I made it a point to speak to my hyphenated counterparts about their impression of Canada, their quality of life, their hope for their children and their own future. They spoke willingly when I explained that I lived part of the year in South Asia. Their story hasn’t changed much in 20 years. Sacrifice of one generation for the next. All the parents proud of the degrees their offsprings are accumulating at their expense. Some of the younger ones were speaking loudly of their frustrations, and made a point of announcing their imminent departure. Will they leave? Many aspired to a better life in their old days, having given up on the present. Almost all were denouncing the empty promises of their adopted country. “Why bring in the best to have us work in menial jobs?!”. Good question.

Their children have not yet made it in large numbers past the doors of the organizations that hire me.

2010-07-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I blogged. I went through a dry spell as I was delivering workshops across Canada this late May and June. I had to find my voice so many times in front of groups ranging from 10 to 150 people that I seemed to have none left to share with my laptop. The computer became my enemy, the constant reminder of too many questions to answer, too many files to juggle, too many folks neglected. I got overwhelmed, and forgot to breathe.

I am back in Sri Lanka now, not a restful place on so many fronts, but a place to lay my luggage for a while. It’s my first July here, and I am surprised by the cool breeze and cloudy days. I thought July would be unbearable in the southern hemisphere. My friends in Ottawa, Toronto and Montreal have been melting in high noon heat, looking wilted in front of their computer screens across the Skype network. I enjoy Skype. My e-mails are finely getting shorter and being replaced by: Skype me at 8:00 AM EST, which is the cocktail hour for me. Perfect.

This last week, I have renewed acquaintances with some interesting people, both Expats and Sri Lankan. Many are going to the Northern hemisphere on holidays, so there are fewer of us here. The get togethers seem quieter somehow with less of us making our usual noise. I continue to notice how much room we Northerners take, not just in tourist sites on this planet, but in public and private venues everywhere, even when we number half a dozen. Hundreds of native people go by every day, taking little space, making little noise on their own land, while we consistently remind the world of our existence with our clothes, our laughter, our clunky shoes, our complaints.

Career 2020 or Nine Old Tales Die Hard

2010-07-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

Picture these scenarios: a senior professional bumping her head against the glass ceiling; a highly educated man at the end of his public service career who wants to contribute differently; a young woman, not yet 25, thinking of getting a PhD and puzzled by the choices ahead. What each of these stories has in common is the need for new tactics to manage a career in the year 2010 and on to 2020.

While many of us have ingrained ideas and internalized stories about what to do and not to do with our professional lives, as a career coach for the last 20 years I have come to recognize that the good old “folk tales” or storylines don’t work anymore.

What follows is not a prescription, but an invitation, to challenge some common assumptions that may no longer be useful. If you are content where you are, this is not for you. If you feel some restlessness, read on….

1. Old Tale: Play it safe!

New reality: Playing it safe won’t make it safe. There are very few safe havens in the world of work today. Your safety net is comprised of your skills which must be current, your network which must be wide and deep, and your intention which must be clear. You already know if you are happy or unhappy with your career, or your life for that matter. Rationalizing, while staying immobile, is a recipe for burnout.

Some say it’s a risk to move and change. Do you know of individuals who have explored new paths by staying where they are? Risk is a condition of existence. And.. .in case you are thinking change takes too much energy, think of the energy it takes to keep yourself immobilized. I’ve been there and it’s exhausting!

2. Old Tale: I want a J.O.B.

New reality: You don’t want a job, you want work. There is plenty of work, while jobs in the traditional sense are disappearing. Most employers have a smaller and smaller core of employees and don’t want more. Who wants to manage a large permanent workforce!? On the other hand, the outer circle of contractors, consultants, lobbyists, project managers, temporary help professionals etc. keep growing. Even if you have a job, make sure you continue to look for work… that you enjoy!

Recommended Read: Career Intelligence by Barbara Moses

3. Old Tale: Someone will notice my good work eventually

New reality: Go after what you want, don’t wait. You may be waiting a long time for Mr. Right or that Perfect Job to come along. The work you want you must create. The job you seek you must create. If it’s already created, it probably belongs to somebody else. Whether it’s advertized or not, 90% of the time jobs are already assigned to someone else. In my days as a professional in the Executive Search business, ads were often there to promote the organization and its visibility, or to attract high flyers working for competitors. Sometimes it was a tactic to eliminate someone the company didn’t want through a due process, or to bring someone it wanted in through this same due process. You can apply, apply, apply, or you can go out there and network to find opportunities that are tailor-made for you.

Recommended Read: Check out books and articles by Gael and Stuart Lidenfield, Jeff Taylor (Monster), or Dian Darling

4. Old Tale: I will get there on my own merit ( a modified number 3)

New reality: Of course you have merit, but you are not an island. We all are network-dependent. Your network is the most efficient way to get what you want. Once you have figured out what you want (more on this in future newsletters), tell others, get curious about what they do, go for coffee, lunch, dinner. Always thank them for the information generously shared, and keep them in the loop about what you are doing. The work, the contracts, the projects worth having, will appear with a little help from your network.

Recommended Read: Outliers by Malcom Gladwell or Six Pixels of Separation by Mitch Joel.

5. Old Tale: I have all the education and knowledge I need

New reality: No you don’t. It is not possible to sell thinking that is decades old. You need to keep reading, keep growing, and keep investing in you. If you do not have new perspectives, how can you possibly convince someone else you have something worthwhile to offer? Broaden your horizon by trying different projects in your organization, learning new skills, volunteering or engaging in creative/artistic endeavours. What is the worst that can happen? If you learn nothing new you run the risk of becoming obsolete.

6. Old Tale: I have to sell myself and I hate selling

New reality: You sell yourself every time you open your mouth and even when you don’t. What is NOT effective in the 21st century is Push Marketing, where you push yourself onto potential employers, clients, colleagues. Push goes something like this: I have these degrees, this experience, I can do this and that, you need my services and I need a contract or an assignment. Hire me! What you need instead is Pull Marketing and Pull goes like this: “Great to see you. What are you up to?... Why don’t I put you in contact with …. I have had the pleasure of working with X in Y area. Would you care to be on my e-list or linked up on ABC social media for me to provide you with the results of my research about Z”….

7. Old Tale: If I can just find my niche!

New reality: The world of one job for life, one career for life, is gone. Think in multiples, think speed dating… Kidding aside, it used to be that staying in one job for less than three years was bad for your résumé. In the mid-nineties, I was told that I was basically unstable because I had changed jobs every few years. Now you have to explain why you stayed somewhere for five years, to demonstrate that you have not been repeating the same experience five times! Rethink what you want, try something new. You have many niches in you … along a continuum of possibilities.

8. Old Tale: You must specialize to be successful

New reality: If you are highly specialized, this is an asset only if you are ready to move to where that specialization is needed. Wanting to stay in one city, one country, and still advance or find lucrative employment in your specialization may be a stretch in the new world of work. If you love your specialty, be ready to move to pursue that dream. If you love your city or country, then you may need to diversify to remain in that environment.

9. Old Tale: There is no career after you turn 50

New reality: Think Renaissance man or woman. Many talents, packaged and repackaged, updated, renewed. Often my clients’ ‘post-career’ careers occur at the junction where paid work skills and unpaid work passions meet. For example, if you love to entertain and are a diplomat, maybe a high end bed and breakfast (wait for me!) appeals. Maybe you are a poet and want to help transform people in organizations Maybe you paint and also coach professionals, so how about doing both. The best careers are fusion careers that best express your own brand of genius. And… as I have seen with my 78 year old mother who went from poor beginnings in Haiti, to become a MD, then a Pathologist, and eventually a Psychiatrist (at 40 + with 6 kids), and who is now becoming a writer, I know it’s never too late.

Recommended read: Anything by David Whyte –the organizational poet.

“Trust that what you can imagine is possible. Trust… and you will make it so.”

Dominique Dennery

Who Is Resisting Change?

2010-04-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

It's not about others, is it? The partner who procrastinates, the employee who resists silently, the child who rebels. It's about not being clear enough and resorting to cajoling, whining, nagging or raising your voice by a few dozen decibels. This fact hits me like a brick while reflecting on an e-mail from a friend saying she was ready to explode at her spouse's passive resistance. There are flashbacks of my own personal and business changes, and the building resentment about the Other's inertia or attempted sabotage.

Yes, the actions of the Others (or lack thereof) can affect you and slow down your own momentum, if you continue to need their collaboration. Let me explain. When I have needed the help of Reluctant Others, their reluctance has only become my burden when I let it. When I focus instead on what results I want to achieve and let that strong intention be known, I enlist Different Others who share my goal or at least my enthusiasm. The Reluctant Others have their transition to go through. I can be compassionate, I can listen, what I cannot do is waiver, delay or amortize the consequences.

Two strategies have helped me move closer to what I know is essential to my continued well-being. The first one is letting go and unruffling my feathers. Not always easy to do, as I tend to sometimes take life too seriously. When I do relax and laugh at myself, something in my body language, tone, words (or serene silence) lets the Other know something bigger has taken over... and he or she moves over. Just like that.

The second is to continue to feed the passion until it catches on and becomes contagious. Different Others you didn't know were there or had forgotten, are atracted to the flame and come forward with ideas about how to do 'it'. Sometimes, even the Reluctant Ones lose their reluctance and join in. Don't count on it though.

A third strategy has delivered but with harsh consequences. That strategy is to fuel your anger against the Reluctant Other to the point where this very fire propels you forward to embrace the change you were resisting all along. Yes, you were resisting the next wave and bracing against the Other.

My hope is that the first two strategies become my default for the rest of my life.

Recipe for Magic

2010-04-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was speaking to my son Adrien about how I believe our thoughts create things, events, people. Seems so simple, and he has heard me say it often. This time, he asked me to repeat what I had said exactly and then record it for him. Something hit a chord. Unfortunately, I can't remember exactly what I said and how I said it, but offer this anecdote instead.

I was on planes for two days in sardine class. At the onset of the second of three flights, I force myself to approach the counter. Shall I ask to be upgraded or not? This airline has done it a few times before, never when I expected it. I am so tired, my thoughts are along the lines of begging. I am not surprised to get a smug: 'We are fully booked'.

For the next flight I don't bother asking. I sit in the three seater row, by the window, wondering why I ever thought window seats were a good idea. Memories of getting way too friendly with the two passengers on the last 13 hour flight as I fell repeatedly on their lap to travel to and from the bathroom still make me wince. I am sure, people grow more legs under their blankets while they sleep.

I find myself wondering what Ease would look like, instead of the old Struggle. This thought I keep in mind as I let go of the outcome. The flight is full. Three passengers don't make it. We get delayed unloading their luggage while everyone rolls their eyes, except me. Two of them were to sit next to yours truly. So, I get to sleep for 3 hours in foetal position. No bobbing head syndrome for me! When I get up to stretch, I come back to an occupied aisle seat. The large friendly woman occupying it was obviously eyeing it for a while. She speaks only Arabic, but we manage to exchange pleasantries. No, I am not Arab. Yes, I have been asked that question before. I tell her that I am Canadian. Her look tells me I would be in for a long explanation if we could understand each other's language. She eventually goes back to her seat and I have time to write this blog with my legs stretched out. The lap of luxury...

So Adrien, here is how thought creates reality.

Encounter with a Buddhist Bhikkhuni

2010-03-05T00:03:00.000-08:00

I had the most extraordinary conversation in a rickety white van on the way to Olbodwa to accompany my mother to a Vipassana Meditation Center where she was choosing to spend a few days. Mom was in the front with the driver and we picked up Venerable Bhikkuni K... in her monastery for the drive to her Mandir (Centre) in a small village. First she makes us wait while she finishes her long telephone conversation. I am growing impatient. When she emerges with her shorn head and orange wrap, she barks: Who are you? I introduce myself and my mother, the same people who spoke to her on the phone. 'Your are not a man' she says. Well, duhhh. My annoyance is growing. Whe we get to the rented van, I help her climb in the back. She doesn't need my help.I wasn't expecting such vivacity from an octagenarian.

We begin an hour long conversation. She pokes at me and I poke back. She gets animated, takes my hand. I don't even feel the bumps in the road despite the total absence of shock absorbers. 'There are no intermediaries between us and our god' she says. 'Our present actions are not the results from the past. Every time we think we create a new thought. Every time we speak, we create a new word that was not there before. Every time we do some work we create an action that was not there before.' ' Meditation helps one to change thought patterns, because there is good thinking and bad thinking.'

The Honorable Bikkhuni also holds a Masters in Molecular Biology from the USA. We speak of quantum physics, of thoughts occuring at the speed of light. She speaks of the way thoughts create the body and the body creates thoughts. We move on to politics. She speaks of how the country has lost its way and is concerned with the external trappings of buddhism, more than with the essence of the teachings. She can read Pali and often quotes from Buddha's words to the people. She is one of the Religious Leaders of the World (along with the Dalai Lama), and explains how they are trying to make a difference. She advocates the ability to welcome many faiths. What about the role of women? I ask. 'Women must play a leadership role as men have lost their way', she says. The men in the village have all lost a son to the war. They drink to forget and the women carry the burden. 'Women are more resilient'. She smiles, looking down at her small wrinkled feet.

Back to Colombo

2010-02-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

The trek back to Colombo from Kalapitya was interminable. Big pre-elections rallies slowing our progress over and over again. Some men, drunk on cheap alcohol or high on drugs zigzag across the road. Some groups are quite large, all young men, eager for some excitement. I start to worry for our safety and tell our driver to accelerate without attracting attention. He has been living as an ethnic minority in his homeland all his life and doesn’t have to be told not to honk and to stay as unobtrusive as possible. I am glad when all the blue flags fade and we are again passing through sleeping towns, stopping occasionally for a stretch, fruits, coconut water, and hard boiled corn to much on.

We buy lottery tickets for 20 rupees, only the numbers legible to our western eyes. Many people are chewing a red root that leaves their mouths and gums bright red. They smile willingly. The women flutter their eyes coyly when my driver asks permission for me to take their picture. The colours of their blouse and skirts shining like jewels against their brown skin and long shiny black hair. Many are plump. Not as many as back in Canada, but reassuringly, more than I expected.

Getting out of the small jeep and entering my house, I look down at my dirty feet and sticky hands. Life is good.

Dolphin Beach, Kalapitya area

2010-02-26T16:37:00.000-08:00

We left as the sun was emerging and got on a boat that must surely be a bit small for the treacherous expanse of water before us. The motor sputters while my mother and I look at the receding shore with growing trepidation. The young captain lays down his cell phone briefly to focus on the task at hand. The motor decides to wake up and we are on our way at last. We crisscross the immense bay looking for dolphins. There are 20,000 of them; three breeds I am told: Small, Medium and Large (!).

When we first rest eyes on them, we stand up in the small embarkation, too excited to be cautious. I eventually lie on the flat bow with my camera, furiously taking pictures, as they swim in graceful curves, up for air, down to gorge on small fish, in perfect unison. Dozens of schools of 4, 6, 10 surround us. Sometimes they disappear and reappear much further. We follow, keeping a respectful distance. After their feeding they accompany us back towards the shore. They propel themselves in the air, twist and splash through the surface. They swim under the boat and jump in front of us, making a whistling sound. The small ones jump and turn in spirals before diving, showing us their pink bellies. Sometimes a whole group dives at once, waving their fan like tails in a neat row. Unbelievable. I have never seen so many of these extraordinary creatures.

I hate to imagine what will become of them once the tourists come to this unspoiled coast in droves. Having seen tourists in the Caribbean, I expect they will want to feed the dolphins, get too close with huge motor boards and otherwise disturb and pollute with the complicity of the local and foreign tour operators.

Even more important to cherish this morning in all its glory.

Kalapitya, later in the evening

2010-02-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

I am reminded of an exchange overheard at Pearson Airport a few months ago in the Customs queue that winds for what seems like miles after the 14 hour journey from Dubai. A husband and wife, 6 feet behind me. “Jeez Marge, he says, where do all these people come from”! Marge responds: “Don’t worry Dear, they are probably just passing through. I look ahead of me and see Caucasian men in suits , behind me tourists like Marge and hubby, coming back from winter holidays. I seem to have gotten separated from my fellow travelers from South Asia and the Middle East who are a few bends ahead, quietly making their way towards the wicket by the dozens.

Therein probably lies the origin of the comment. These people can’t possibly be Canadians. They must be passing through, from where to where doesn’t matter. They are not staying Dear. As the queue winds and winds, I look closer at some of the passports, many of them already in hand, the navy colour screaming of their Canadianness. I overhear some of the children with their unmistakable Canadian accent. These children are shades of brown. Maybe they will be passing through Canada, ending up in another place where they will not mind being branded a foreigner.

Kalapitiya, Sri Lanka North West

2010-02-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

The wind in the coconut trees has a staccato sound like rain on paper. The sky is a pale blue haze over the fishermen’s boats in faded colours, partially covered with little thatched roofs, ready to be launched when the fish call. The boats are launched at dawn, but when the wind is right and ripples in the water give the fish away, these fishermen go out a second time, at dusk.

The beach is not a place of leisure, but a backdrop to industrious families. The men mend the nets and the women cook or mind the vegetable patch. The sea is a dangerous world, where only the ones who swim go the distance to find the diminishing bounty. The fish are smaller, the large prawns rarer. Their taste in light curry, something I want to take away. The villagers eat the crops of the season. The wet season is shorter, the dry season hotter, the climate is changing slowly, the consequences unimaginable.

Moors, Tamils, Singhalese, Burghers interact with each other with a slightly uneasy familiarity. The devil you know. We are the only foreigners for miles. The team at the small bungalow didn’t expect us to be Brown and eat spicy foods. They stare, ask questions through our driver. Aren’t real Canadians White?

So I give a lecturette on our history, telling them about the fugitive slaves of the underground railway, the Black Loyalists, the Chinese labourers, our two official languages, our First Nations, our urban mosaic, which includes close to a quarter million Sri Lankans. They look at me with a mix of interest and disbelief. Over 90% are literate and what I say contradicts what they have read about us.

In Canada, I get asked all the time where I am from. Looks like the dance is continuing 15,000 kms away. It seems less complicated to say I live in Canada then to explain that I am actually Canadian. Sad.

What does the breeze have to do with coaching

2010-02-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

There is a soft breeze that starts blowing a little past four in the afternoon. It blows in from the sea I can’t see from my rooftop, although it is only a few miles away.

The wind rises in the East and waves its way West while the sun rests lower and lower on the horizon. I liken this wind to the wind of change that affects most of us in the afternoons of our lives (yeah, I know I couldn’t resist the metaphors). A restlessness that won’t leave us and demands that we freshen our perspective, rethink our well-worn path. In Colombo the wind is like a fan that cools the big city down after another hot day. For many of my clients, the fan of mid life actually fuels the embers deep inside, and propels them to make changes they had never thought possible.

Just as everything is settling into a soft routine, here comes the irrepressible desire to tell the organization to go take a hike, to tell the selfish off springs to find their own way, to wonder if life will only amount to “this”, whatever “this” is. Some come for a coaching session or two because they are restless, but quickly find the exploration too fraught with danger. I can understand why a successful professional would think twice about taking another direction they know nothing about. My goal is not to have them change for the sake of change, but simply to help them listen to what they are really telling themselves and then make decisions that support who they feel they are, or better yet, have the potential of becoming. The alternative seems to be a complacency that leads to smaller and smaller horizons, while a gnawing dissatisfaction creates dis-ease physically or spiritually.

For many the changes can be small, hardly a ripple to the outside world, but a profound wave inside. The result can be a settling into the life they have chosen, but with a new attitude and a bounce in their step. Now they know what they know and choose mindfully, rather than feel victimized by their circumstances. For others, their waves are tsunamis that impact their career, their partner, their family. When you see them after a year or two, they look more vibrant, as if more pixels had been added to the image they project. Their former entourage won’t speak to you J.

My role is only to catalyze. It’s their life after all, and their movement must be theirs. But it is hard to repress the awe and excitement that comes from seeing another human being take charge of his or her life, guided by a strong intention.

Helping Haïti

2010-01-21T05:53:00.000-08:00

I have been getting numerous e-mails about the tragedy in Haiti. This outpouring of concern and sympathy touches me deeply. Many of you have asked what you can do.

My partner has worked in some difficult postings in his career. Countries with little infrastructure, dire poverty, natural disasters, violence, critical governance issues. One of them was his own country, Haiti. He has suggested a tiered approach based on his experience in post-disaster and post-conflict:

1. Now: Contribute money to international disaster relief and humanitarian organizations. The need is always bigger than their budgets. They know what to do on the ground to limit casualties, provide shelter, food and medical attention. Every little bit counts.

2. Now: Provide emotional support to people affected directly by the tragedy, either those being flown to the US and Canada after the quake, or those already there grieving. There are few Haitian Canadians or Haitian Americans not deeply touched by the disaster. Showing that your care helps with the grieving.

3. Now: Help a family you know. Many Haitians are already suffering from the economic crisis and are not in a position to support their extended families who are now more destitute than ever. Proposing to offer some form of help to their loved ones in Haiti will help them indirectly without looking like a hand-out, which they would never accept.

4. In the months to come: Contribute to the reconstruction of Haïti. This is harder to define and will happen over the next many years, but there will be many avenues to contribute professional skills to give this proud country a second chance. If you are interested, contact me and I will put you in touch with the ones who have sent me information to date.

Merci.

2010-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

I was born in Port-au Prince, Haïti. My two parents are from the South of the island. I am still reeling from the images of devastation. At the other end of the world, on the coast of a different sea, I get so choked up, I have to walk away from the television screen. I am not even a first-hand witness. Friends and colleagues are sending messages hoping that our families are all right. Thank you for your empathy. My partner isn’t speaking much. Close relatives have been found, but so many are still missing. The city of his youth is gone. The country of my birth is suffering terribly. “Incomprehensible and cruel tragedy”, said President Obama. Surely this small and proud nation should have been last on the Earth’s hit list! Can anything good come out of such devastation?

I am a firm believer in human resilience. How else could Haitians still be standing, and this first Black Republic still be hobbling along? But somehow, this is just too much. Intolerable. 100,000 dead, wounded. How many more crippled emotionally.

My parents left Haitï 50 years ago. I can only imagine what some members of the Diaspora feel as they frantically try to locate their loved ones -- all the while wondering, in some cases, if they were right in leaving them behind. I hear the US neighbor is sending help. Also, France the old amie/ennemie. Even China is showing pictures of a few dozen technicians in orange suits rushing to vehicles taking them to the airport. But, it will be the Haitian Diaspora: the taxi drivers, the cleaning crews, the teachers, the doctors, the friends, who will come through again and again. I pray that each human being living in the desolate aftermath will find in himself or herself the will to survive. God bless you.

2010-01-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

Leaving tomorrow for my Canadian Winterland after close to 6 months in Sri Lanka. I sit on my terrace sipping coffee watching the crows gorge on a jackfruit in the neighbor’s tree. The temperature has not yet reached 30 degrees, it’s balmy, the sky is blue, the dappled sunlight is making its way toward my chair. We woke up before dawn this morning, restless and not knowing why. On his way down the stairs, Fred lost his balance, missed a few steps to land on his knees on the landing where a collection of West African masks are hanging on the wall. He called me from the office later to tell me to watch the world news. Haïti has been devastated by a major earthquake at 3:00 AM our time. Somehow, we felt the connection, sensed that something was terribly wrong, thousands of miles away. He spent all day phoning the Embassies, his relatives in the US and Canada, trying to find out if members of his extended family were safe. I sent e-mails to show support to some of my friends. I am not able to make sense of this catastrophe.

Life on two continents

2010-01-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

My short sabbatical has come to an abrupt halt! I now have a schedule that stretches over 18 hours and two continents! How did this happen?

Mornings start with messages to North America. I get this strange pleasure catching up on a whole day of activities on the other side and being able to respond at my leisure. There can be no impossible deadlines when you are 10. 5 hours ahead of your clients! Then it’s time for having breakfast on my terrace. I don’t think I will ever tire of tropical plants in the sunlight. There are lunches here, meetings related to Pluralism, my new passion, sometimes I get to the pool a few streets down. Then afternoon comes, and I am back at the computer finishing my work for Canadians.

I have never been an early bird, not even close! Getting up when it’s still dark and cold, and rushing to get to a session I facilitate - with my mop of hair still damp - has been the least favorite part of my day. Fortunately, it always went uphill from there. What a treat now to be able to pre-empt all those smug early birds who get up at 5:00, all bright eyed and bushy tail, and look at the rest of us frumpy, dozing humans with a superior air. Now I can send them e-mails at the crack of their dawn. Bliss! But then the e-mails require responses and I get into my evenings. The queries require information, and I get busy with research. The friends say hello, which requires a hello back. Then there are SKYPE conversations. Next thing I know it’s 1:00 AM my time, and my better half has long ago given up on me.

I take the plane at the end of this week for Ottawa, which explains some of the frenzy. I will be happy to see everyone I can get to see in a few short weeks. But then, do I continue waltzing over the oceans, back and forth. What about all those plans I had for my sabbatical… I always think deep thoughts while my neighbours snore on long flights. Something about being in the air and knowing your life is literally in suspension. Looking forward to some insights!

Fermentation

2010-01-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

My own coach Gwen likes to say that these last six months have been a time of fermentation for me. The image fits. Yes I have had busy times more recently, but I also have more time on my hand than I have ever had in my life. I can’t remember a time when I was not working. Jobs at adolescence, attending university, stepping into a profession at a young age, mothering, becoming a consultant, starting my own firm. So these last six months have been a first in my life.

I have walked aimlessly or taken the infamous three-wheelers all over Colombo. I have bought tropical plants in all colours and shapes, just for the pleasure of it. I have spent hours drinking lime juice at Barefoot on Galle Road, and fell asleep in my garden with crows and parakeets making deafening noise overhead. I have read book after book, sometimes more than one at the same time. I have been bored!!

Why a sabbatical? The timing was right. Son is grown up, my parents are still in good health, plus my life partner got posted to the other side of the planet. Even before the stars all lined up, I felt a strong need to reorient myself and by extension my business, to better reflect the value I place on personal growth, on creativity and on a human focus in all endeavours.

I have had a hard time explaining why I left the federal public service, why I left my job in the private sector, why I set up my own business, or made important changes to my personal life. Every time I turned a page, I experienced a battle royal with myself. The outcome was never quite what I expected and the silver lining not obvious for a while. Once I reached my destinations, I did realize eventually that nothing can be rushed, not even oneself!

We grow at our own pace and should be thankful for not getting exactly what we want, when we want it. What does appear after fermentation is usually just what was called for.

Les phase de transition - une tranche de vie

2010-01-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

Les philosophes et théoriciens nous parlent souvent des phases de la transition et expliquent de façon logique ce qu’ils perçoivent comme étapes bien définies dans ce processus humain. Comme je viens de vivre (et vis toujours) un processus assez intense de transition en laissant le Canada pour le Sri Lanka -- tout en n’étant pas Sri Lankaise, mais une Canadienne d’origine haïtienne, d’âge un peu mûr pour partir à l’aventure -- donc compte tenu de cette expérience un peu inhabituelle, j’ai décidé de documenter les phases de mon aventure en espérant que d’autres s’y reconnaîtront et se sentiront moins seules dans leur propre transition…

Phase 1
Aucune énergie, pas d’idées. Envie de rien, sensibilité à fleur de peau. Rhume, grippes, troubles intestinaux (bon, il y a aussi certains facteurs tropicaux en jeu…). La machine semble tomber en panne. Les psys parlent de burn out. Moi j’ai vécu un excédent d’eau au contraire. Je me sentais baigner dans un liquide opaque. Une larve dont les yeux coulaient facilement.

Parfois un éclair qui rappelle l’acuité intellectuelle d’antan. On se donne le change et donne le change aux autres, mais au fond, on a à peine l’énergie nécessaire pour compléter le déménagement, répondre à quelques courriels et avoir des conversations qui ont une queue et une tête.

Phase 2
Grondement et colère. Envie de tout laisser tomber. Alternance entre le sentiment d’être la victime et l’envie d’étriper son pauvre compagnon qui n’y est vraiment pour rien… ou presque. Tout est vu comme sale, laid, difficile (bon il est vrai que les grandes villes d’Asie ont leurs défauts). Il ne fait pas chaud, la chaleur est étouffante! Les gens ne sont pas souriants, ils vous dévisagent et vous disent oui quand ils savent que c’est non! La grande maison n’a que des problèmes – fuites d’eau, termites (eh oui!), plombs qui sautent régulièrement. En plus, personne ne semble comprendre ce que c’est qu’une consultante en relations humaines! Dans les lunchs d’affaires on me demande quand on pourra rencontrer mon mari! Grrrrrrr, Rien ne va plus.

Phase 3
On est courbaturée à force de résister au changement, mais on commence à voir la lueur au bout du tunnel. On s’intéresse aux regroupements de femmes professionnelles. On pense à un projet de recherches sur le pluralisme qui nous ouvre des portes intéressantes. On sourit enfin à son compagnon. On se fait des amis sur place. On cultive ses contacts et reprend goût à son entreprise. Des idées germent, des possibilités de collaboration avec des Instituts en Asie, et la consolidation de relations d’affaires au Canada. On envisage même d’aller livrer des projets à Ottawa en plein mois de janvier…

Pour le reste, je vous invite à revenir me lire….

Pattern Interrupt

2009-12-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Usually, we stop just short of the point of no return. We take short holidays where we think about the rest of our lives, or not at all. Takes us a week to wind down. We start to breathe and wiggle our toes. Another few days, and it becomes uncomfortable. We look for distractions, stay in the sun too long, drink too much pina colada, hang out with people we would never talk to back home. For some of us, romance is the distraction of choice, for others shopping, yet others visit 20 churches, 20 museums, 20 cities, in 20 days. In the end, we go back to our old pattern and the window for a different way of being closes shut.

What if we chose to interrupt the pattern for good? What would emerge?

A coaching client was telling me of a different experience. How she deepened her transformation by spending 5 weeks doing very little, thinking very little. No renovation project, no visitors. Nothing! It reminded me of how fertile the fallow times are, how important the hiatus, the slowing down, the empty days, the absence of an imposed schedule for a natural rhythm to emerge. Externally, the changes in this client’s life didn’t happen right away. Four months after this gift to herself and her willingness to step into some deep conversations and courageous exploration, she is radically changing her life…. for the better.

The Very Thing I Don’t Want

2009-12-19T20:07:00.000-08:00

In times of transformation, the very thing I don’t want, the biggest fear is exactly what I need to espouse to give me the life I want. If I fear failure, then I must come face to face with failure to realize that it has no bite and that beyond it lies my future.

A friend of mine what recounting a difficult experience where she could do no right in a project she was hired to research and write. She had gone in knowing that the skills required of her weren’t her forte, knowing the timelines were wrong, requirements impossible to meet. She courted failure, like many of us do, when our lives need to change and we are hanging on to the side of the cliff and won’t let go. So everything went according to plan. She failed, got criticized, worked and worked and worked for unsatisfactory results. She finally had to abandon the project and loose most of her consulting fee. When she spoke with me, she was still reeling from the experience. Looking through my lens rather than hers, I could not understand why she would put herself through such agony. It then became apparent to me that that was exactly what she needed to do to let go of this business and fly in another direction.

A lesson for me.

Suspended in Mid Air

2009-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

It goes something like this. The life you have doesn’t feel like it belongs to you. How did you get here? Maybe you will wake up and find out that nothing you saw, felt or heard was real. But this isn’t dream. It’s a disconnect, a state of suspension from whatever reality you have created.

There are times in our lives where this feeling is most intense. Times of radical transformation. Literature talks of change and transition while what I have experienced every 14 or 15 years were revolutions. A new world order slipping in while I was busy holding on to the old.

To the outsider looking in, there doesn’t seem to be much of a change. Same house, same relationships, same profession, same body. But inside I go into a state of deconstruction. Nothing fits, there are false notes everywhere. The dissonance becomes so great that transformation becomes inevitable. One drop makes your whole life overflow and …. You become more. You come into your own. When you announce it to the world, some are surprised, most or not. Something was oozing out of your pores all along.

Old Habits Dies Hard

2009-10-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

I notice that whenever I hear the drumbeat of transformation, the call of the Old becomes louder and louder. Whether it’s a relationship I know I don’t need, or a piece of clothing I know I don’t need, the reflex is the same, I want/need/have to indulge. The attraction comes from knowing that where I am going I will have no use for these. If I engage with the old habits, then maybe I can delude myself a little longer into thinking that radical change is not coming to this house.

I fight harder for what I don’t want than for what I want. Then, one day, the object of desire becomes irrelevant. Just like that.

Protection versus Growth

2009-09-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

As I work with individuals one-on-one or in groups, I notice the difference between those in protection and those in growth mode. I speak of this humbly as a person who still oscillates between the two attitudes. What I see in the protection mode is a will to maintain an old identity like those old T-shirts I notice in my partner’s closet, well worn, falling apart, but jealously guarded!

In individuals it is often the hanging on to a familiar persona: The Saviour, the Villager, The Prize Fighter, the Rebel, the Responsible One. These identities were very useful for getting to ‘Here’. In moving forward to ‘There’, they become straightjackets that stiffle growth and exploration. We live archetypes rather than follow our best instincts . Others ruefuly comment behind our backs on these ossified attitudes, but we refuse to acknowledge them.

My intention when I coach is to help individuals see these old reflexes for what they are, i.e. mutable patterns that have created a hollow reality that no longer serves them. In a respectful dialogue that probes and challenges, the individual comes to terms with the fact that he/she has evolved to this state without much thought. What she is pales in comparison to what she has the potential of becoming.

Then comes the process of letting go...

Just Let Go!

2009-08-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

As I get ready to leave my home and native land  (or at least the land I have spent close to five decades criss-crossing!) I am conscious of all I need to leave behind.

It's not just that I am packing some belongings and leaving others behind forever …or  for a few years. It's not even that I am leaving loved ones behind –although that does hurts.   It's that I am leaving in the dust of departure the only identity I thought I had.

In a city where I rarely go anywhere without encountering a familiar face, I had built an identity that was maintained in place by the circles I belonged to of family, friends, clients, colleagues. The Ottawa Dominique was always dressed professionally, always ready to engage with others, always working hard and acting responsibly. I believed all those things people said about me, became all those things people thought about me!

I will be thousands of miles away in a few days. When I reach my destination, I get to actually choose what I want to be. Will I repeat what I know or break the mould?! I notice that I have spent the last few months in Ottawa trying to hold on to a corporate identity that no longer fits. I have also tried to set up a family safety net, without me (the leader) actually being present! Goodness girlfriend, let it go. Leave it behind. Give the biggest benefit of the doubt you can possibly give to yourself and to others. They will grow and I will grow. Let go of the plan, let go of the formula for certainty.

Just let go!

The Art of Transformation

2009-07-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

As I increasingly lend my energies to sculpture and creative writing I learn more about what is truly important in my life. What I’ve come to realize is that artistic expression is the language of the soul ; as my hands sculpt and move my consciousness moves. With each sculpture I create, I move forward in my life’s journey, I generate new insights, or bring to light some internal tensions to ponder between who I was and who I am becoming.

This dialogue with Self can become truly transformational! Thank you for coming with me on this journey of discovery.